美国流行笑话一千则PDF|Epub|txt|kindle电子书版本网盘下载

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Ⅰ．顶级笑话3

1 I Can Remember That我能记得住3

2 A good excuse找借口4

3 They're looking for me他们正在找我4

4 A Missile by Kangaroos袋鼠发导弹5

5 A Gift for the Teacher送给老师的礼物6

6 I got the job我被录用了6

7 Hearing Problem听力不好7

8 Moving couch搬沙发7

9 Hearing Aid助听器8

10 What does it say它在说什么8

Ⅱ．讽刺笑话11

11 An Alcohol Tester酒精测试仪11

12 I quit drinking我戒酒了11

13 The Sixth Helen第六个海伦12

14 Anything works?有能工作的吗？12

15 A Small Trick一个小花招12

16 Another Trick又一个小花招13

17 What do I have to order我该点什么13

18 Cheap but good价廉物美14

19 Not our own food不是我们自己的食品14

20 Better not your daughter幸亏不是你的女儿14

21 Not good at measuring不熟悉计量单位15

22 A Halloween Costume万圣节戏装15

23 Secret Code密码15

24 What did the sign say?那标牌上写的什么字？16

25 Didn't do gambling没有赌钱16

26 Do it herself自己动手做16

27 Moving Target活动目标17

28 Obedience驯服17

29 Contradiction自相矛盾17

30 Food Network食品节目18

31 Missing luggage丢了行李18

32 Not an eye witness不是亲眼所见18

33 More than a dozen超过一打19

34 Stay on the line不要挂电话19

35 Oops唉唷19

36 A Complaint抱怨20

37 Not a good name不是好名字20

38 Chatting away海聊20

39 Complex Math Problem复杂的数学题21

40 Heroine in Rain雨天的女英雄21

41 Like father like daughter有其父必有其女21

42 Can be trusting?能信任吗？22

43 A Degree in Philosophy哲学学位的用处22

44 Now we can sleep现在我们可以睡觉了22

45 Fight down the theft制服偷盗23

46 Who should change?该谁换？23

47 Am I so bad?我有那么糟吗？23

48 Won't be in at all干脆不来了24

49 Form a double line排成两行24

50 Two Choices两种选择24

51 Games in Jail监狱里的游戏25

52 It's rather personal实在是个人隐私25

53 Free dessert helps免费甜食有帮助25

54 How can I help you?我能为你做什么？26

55 Blind Submission盲从26

56 Never seen us?从来没见过我们？26

57 How to answer?怎样回答？27

58 Listen to whom听谁讲27

59 I had no choice我是没办法27

60 It's not that noticeable那伤疤不是很明显28

61 Insatiable不知足28

62 A Scary Man可怕的人28

63 Fish on changing table换尿片小桌上的鱼29

64 Hidden Value隐藏的价值29

65 For others to read贴给别人看的29

66 A Hard Push猛推一把30

67 I'm not that old我还没那么老30

68 Pneumonia and Smoking肺炎和抽烟30

69 I don't inhale that far down我没有往下吸到那么远31

70 I work in customer service我是顾客服务部的31

71 Natural Beauty天然美女31

72 They put you on hold?他们让你等着？32

73 Piano Player钢琴手32

74 She needs to finish the book她该读完这本书32

75 Clarity明确性33

76 Unnecessary Warning不必要的警告33

77 What's fifty bucks?50块钱算什么呀？33

78 Can pilots fly?飞行员会飞吗？34

79 Historical Events历史事件34

80 Don't get around不再绕道走34

81 Bring me another martini!再给我拿一杯马丁尼酒来！35

82 Told you so告诉过你了35

83 Practice every day at five o'clock每天五点钟演习36

84 Harder being a telemarketer当电话推销员更难36

85 Shave my head把我的头刮了36

86 A burglar can't find me either盗匪也找不到我37

87 The room's getting smaller是这屋子变小了37

88 Hire a bodyguard雇一个保镖37

89 Customer Appreciation Week顾客服务周38

90 New Incentive Plan新的奖励计划38

91 She's not yours她不是你的孩子38

92 Coming or leaving是来上班，还是回家39

93 Here comes my neighbor我邻居的房子过来了39

94 Let'em finish!让他们快干完！39

95 My Dream Job梦寐以求的工作40

96 Which nine items?哪九件哪？40

97 I'll take all three三只我都买了40

98 The traffic light's red红灯了41

99 We don't need to change the name名字不需要改了41

100 That's me那是我41

101 Break Time休息时间42

102 Chivalry骑士精神42

103 The garbage can is the garbage这个垃圾桶是垃圾42

104 Hidden Intent居心不良43

105 Was he fired?他被开除了吗？43

106 Is there another door?还有没有别的门？43

107 Leave the color把彩色留下44

108 Honey,so do I!亲爱的，我也要！44

109 Put it on my sister加到我妹妹身上44

110 If I'd only known如果我早知道45

111 What do I do now?现在我该干什么？45

112 Have you seen her grades?你没看见她的成绩吗？45

113 Smart Shopper聪明的顾客46

114 Something Unexpected意料之外的事46

115 It's raining天在下雨46

116 Want a new car real bad急需一辆新车47

117 I'm not picky我不是那种挑剔的人47

118 How red was the light?红灯有多红？48

119 In his own terminology三句不离本行48

120 The Perplexed Clerk困惑的店员48

121 Telemarketer电话推销员49

122 Personal Experience亲身经历49

123 Express Line快速交款队伍49

124 Work at two restaurants在两家餐馆打工50

125 He wants to talk with you上帝要和你说话50

126 Good with people与人相处好50

127 Road closed道路关闭51

128 An Incident一个事故51

129 Freedom's Door自由之门52

130 Shark,Bear and Children鲨鱼、熊和儿童52

131 The Eighth Symptom第八个症状52

132 Statue of St.Joseph圣约瑟的塑像53

133 An Amateur Mom外行妈妈53

134 Good luck祝你好运53

135 The Most Hideous Thing最丑陋的东西54

136 Capricorns摩羯座的人54

137 Car Locator找车器55

138 Hi Dan!你好，丹！55

139 Loose-fitting Clothing宽松的衣服55

140 We adopted我们的孩子是领养的56

141 Discretion assured确保谨慎56

142 After a massive heart attack严重心脏病发作以后56

143 She knows McDonald's only她只知道麦当劳57

144 They send in the obituary writer他们把写讣告的人派来了57

145 My vision's not too good我眼神不太好57

146 Much more humane人道得多58

Ⅲ．幽默笑话61

147 The Cowboy without a Horse牛仔丢马61

148 Where did you get that haircut你在哪里理的发61

149 Mr.Bear and Mr.Rabbit熊先生和兔先生63

150 You first您先请63

151 A Good Idea好主意64

152 A Personal Question一个私人问题64

153 Musical Interlude音乐插曲64

154 Half Glass of Water半杯水65

155 Still Half Glass of Water还是半杯水65

156 Doctor's Instructions医嘱66

157 Oh,Ohio哦，俄亥俄66

158 Can I borrow your daughter?我能不能借你的女儿？66

159 What do Chinese mothers use?中国妈妈用什么？67

160 The Meat Department肉食部67

161 To tune my cello给大提琴调音67

162 What'd you do with the boat?你到底把船怎么了？67

163 It's three o'clock那是三点钟68

164 A Deviled Egg一个魔鬼蛋68

165 Lubbock,Texas德州鲁鲍克69

166 Windshield Wiper雨刷69

167 How old when you finish?多大年纪的时候完工？69

168 Renaissance文艺复兴70

169 Beautiful Maple Doors漂亮的枫木门70

170 Wearing masks带着面具70

171 What was wrong?出什么问题了？71

172 How long?要多久？71

173 He leaks他漏了71

174 Chief Diagnostic Tool主要诊断工具72

175 One of the Changes变化之一72

176 Flight Simulator模拟飞行器72

177 I don't even go that far on vacation我度假都没走那么远73

178 Too good to be true好得难以相信73

179 It's cheaper here这里比较便宜74

180 Want to borrow my car?要不要借我的汽车？74

181 Falling off the fridge从冰箱上掉下来74

182 Every three months or 3,000 miles每三个月或者三千英里75

183 Please step off the plane请下飞机75

184 Doesn't last very long放不太久75

185 Bills still keep coming账单还是不断寄来76

186 Make him a conductor让他当指挥76

187 I can turn him off我可以把他关掉76

188 A Tip to Stay Awake保持清醒的诀窍77

189 Cut meetings short缩短会议77

190 No sequels再没有续集了78

191 Psychic特异功能78

192 Light Bulb Jokes灯泡笑话78

193 Prayers have been said已经做了祷告79

194 Sleeping in your bed睡在你的床上79

195 A Double Espresso双料浓咖啡79

196 I don't have this problem either我也没有这些麻烦80

197 Hard to believe难以相信80

198 What is that for?那是干什么用的？81

199 I won't hurt you我不会伤害你81

200 Sheep Stranded on a Hill围在小山坡上的羊81

201 Three down and four across纵三横四82

202 That's my son那是我的儿子82

203 Good News and Bad News好消息和坏消息82

204 Roaming Charges漫游费83

205 A Real Winner真正的赢家83

206 Haircut发型83

207 Not in an envelope不是装在信封里84

208 What position do you play?你是踢什么位置的？84

209 Drive-thru closed免下车通道关闭84

210 Change the address更改地址85

211 Wrinkle-free免烫85

212 I want to get out of here我想要从这里出去85

213 Anger Management Class愤怒管理课程86

214 Eat nails for lunch吃铁钉当午饭86

215 A Sample of DNA DNA试样86

216 Who am I?我是谁？87

217 A Pistol一把手枪87

218 Call first先打个电话88

219 What are you using for bait你是用什么作诱饵88

220 They'll leave the key for you他们会把钥匙留给你88

221 Bad Golf and Clean Language球臭话干净89

222 Chalk Outline粉笔线89

223 A Screen Saver屏幕保护画89

224 Dial Tone拨号音90

225 Between church and state政教之间90

226 Holy Angels Gabriel圣天使加百列90

227 Shhh...嘘91

228 He's a club member他是我们俱乐部的会员91

229 I used to drive a school bus我以前是开校车的91

230 My tail's wagging我在摇尾巴呢92

231 Equal-opportunity Annoyer机会均等的骚扰者92

Ⅳ．愚人笑话95

232 A Letter to Her Son写给儿子的信95

233 You haven't found it yet?你还没有找到？95

234 I already got that side那边我已经打开了96

235 Do not disturb请勿打搅96

236 Checkout at 11 a.m离馆时间上午11点96

237 Blind Driver盲人开车97

238 Smart Raft聪明的救生筏97

239 Wrong Deposit Slip用错了存款条98

240 I am over 21我已满21岁98

241 Nobody move!不许动！99

242 A Frustrated Man沮丧的男子99

243 A Glass Window玻璃橱窗99

244 Bite the hook自投罗网100

245 A Car Phone车载电话100

246 A Strawberry Mark红色胎记100

247 First class not for New York一等舱不到纽约去101

248 What is Easter?复活节是什么？101

249 A jigsaw puzzle too hard拼图游戏太难102

250 Whiteout on the Screen荧光屏上的改正液103

251 The other blonde inside the car在车里的另一个金发女郎103

252 Follow a snowplow跟着扫雪车103

253 Her mother died too她妈妈也死了104

254 If the last engine shuts off如果最后一个引擎熄火104

255 Greenside up绿的一面朝上104

256 I got the license plate number我把车的牌照号码记下来了105

257 I'm not the mother我不是妈妈105

258 Horrible Banana可怕的香蕉106

259 Can I have my dog back?能不能把我的狗还给我？106

260 This is fun真有趣107

261 No more Bart Gorman再没有巴特·戈尔曼了107

262 Only two weeks才两个星期107

263 Expiration Date失效日期108

264 I still have mine我的智慧还在108

265 How many adults?有几个大人？108

266 Open 24/77天24小时营业108

267 I only have a ten我只有一张十美元的109

268 Squeeze twice for no听不见捏两下109

269 Not so sunny阳光不那么充足109

270 Mayday,mayday海上求救110

271 Thank you in advance提前感谢110

272 An Odd Noise奇特的噪音110

273 Room Temperature室温111

274 Expensive Crackers昂贵的饼干111

275 I'm not the only one不光是我一个112

276 If I don't speak English如果我不懂英语112

277 Tomorrow's Paper明天的报纸112

278 More than enough过犹不及113

279 A Wig假发113

280 University of California加利福尼亚大学113

281 Where grandchildren from孙子、孙女从何而来114

282 Didn't do job right工作没做好114

283 Security Card保安磁卡114

284 Unknown Problems未知的问题115

285 Only for company business只能用于公司业务115

286 Important Project重要项目115

287 Communication Problem沟通有问题115

288 I sold one lasagna我卖了一份意大利宽面条115

289 I'm ready我准备好了116

290 How badly did he play?那个鼓手打得有多糟？116

291 The trick worked我的办法生效了117

292 Second time split-up for good第二次永远分手117

293 Staying up until 2 a.m.等到半夜两点117

294 The person is on vacation那个人正在度假118

295 The Other Half那半个人118

296 Scheduled Lunar Eclipse安排好的月蚀118

297 Just the money只要钱119

298 Closer to the sunset离日落近一点119

299 Plugged into the New Jersey side插头插在新泽西那边119

300 Which is faster?哪一种快？120

301 Wanted to look good希望好看一些120

302 We'll send them a letter我们会给他们发一封信120

303 Gift Wrapping包礼物121

304 Put the top down把蓬顶放下来121

305 Call in absent电话请假121

306 Tomorrow!明天！122

307 A Dying Lightning Bug快死的萤火虫122

308 How much we saved?我们省了多少钱？122

309 Q＆A问题解答123

310 I don't see any cops我没看到警察123

311 Which Shakespeare?哪一个莎士比亚？123

312 My First Sermon第一次讲道124

313 But I was really sick this time可是我这一次是真的病了124

314 My Father's Method of Accounting爸爸的计数方法124

315 Kuwait has run out of sand科威特沙子用完了125

316 Any trouble telling them apart有没有困难区分他们俩125

317 Do you have this in a Nike?你们有没有耐克牌子的这种鞋？125

Ⅴ．官僚笑话129

318 Be prepared先准备好129

319 Intelligent Life有智慧的生命129

320 Finders keepers谁捡的归谁130

321 A Tax Collector一名税务官130

322 Give me my money把我的钱还给我131

323 A Complaint of a Government Officer政府官员的抱怨131

324 Official U.S.Government Property美国政府官方的财产132

325 Destruction of Government Property破坏政府财产132

326 A Classified Joke保密的笑话132

327 Initial Erased Initial草签划掉的草签133

328 Your son was born early你的儿子出生得太早了133

329 Bring a better face带一张好脸来133

330 Why did you leave?你为什么离开？134

331 In case we lose one万一我们丢了一张134

332 Ethics:Coming Soon伦理道德：即将来临134

333 Do not refer to my wife as spouse不要把我老婆称作配偶135

334 What about the Senate?参议院那边怎么样？135

335 Breast-Feeding Awareness Month母乳喂养宣传月135

336 A Tragedy悲剧136

337 Two Candidates两个候选人136

338 Free Kitten免费小猫137

339 Make triplicate copies before destroy在销毁之前请复印一式三份137

340 The Opposite反义词137

341 There was no arriving general没有将军要来137

342 It's your land这是你的地138

343 Frightened Telephone Repairman吓得半死的电话修理工138

344 Eternal Revenue Service永恒税务局139

345 Package got lost包裹寄丢了139

346 Don't get lost免得寄丢139

347 Customer Appreciation Day感谢顾客日140

Ⅵ．法律笑话143

348 A Lawyer's Personal Integrity律师的个人诚实143

349 A Divorce Lawyer离婚律师143

350 Liability法律责任144

351 An Honest Lawyer诚实的律师144

352 What do you want it to be?你想要它等于几？145

353 Where's my Rolex?我的劳力士表在哪里？145

354 I'm the one我是关键人物146

355 How are you feeling?你觉得怎么样？146

356 You are the first你是头一个147

357 He wasn't that fat他没有那么肥148

358 I'm also a lawyer我也是一个律师148

359 Kind Witness善良的目击证人148

360 You were my lawyer你是我的辩护律师149

361 The Guilty Room有罪室149

362 A Heart that Hadn't Been Used从来没有用过的心脏150

363 Local Counsel本地的辩护律师150

364 Pollution and Solution污染和解决150

365 I am the alligator我是鳄鱼151

366 Outside of New York是在纽约外面151

367 I don't know him我不认识他151

368 He is a lawyer and an EMT他既是一个律师又是一个急救人员152

Ⅶ．医患笑话155

369 It's father's turn轮到父亲了155

370 Comments Taken from Hospital Charts病历里摘录下来的精彩文字155

371 What doctors dictated医生指示记录155

372 In nursing home在老人院156

373 What the heck is wrong with my wife?我太太究竟出了什么问题？156

374 I'm a butcher我是个卖肉的157

375 He looks just like you他长得真像你157

376 You look better in person你本人看起来好一些158

377 Do you have a living will?你立遗嘱了吗？158

378 Poisonous or not有没有毒158

379 How will I be sure?我怎么能肯定？159

380 Everything is expensive here这里什么都贵159

381 You can't win either way哪面也赢不了159

382 Bite by a rabbit兔子也咬人160

383 Don't go overboard不要过分（不要掉到水里去）160

384 My heart was replaced last year我的心脏去年换掉了160

385 What's his name?他叫什么名字？161

386 I'm watching"ER"我正在看电视连续剧《急诊室》161

387 The Cost of a Smile微笑的代价162

388 A Brain Surgeon脑外科医生162

389 Cross out"expert"把“专家”两个字划掉162

390 That's just what the doctor ordered这正是医生定的163

391 That's all I wanted to know这正是我想要知道的163

392 It used to be a dolphin以前它只是一条海豚164

393 I sleep with a lot of people我和很多人一起睡觉164

394 Delete button for our mouths嘴边上装一个“删除”键164

395 I will fill it我给你充满（我给你补上）165

396 This is Lisa.Can I help you?我是丽莎，能为你做什么？165

397 Start new cavities today今天就开始长新的龋齿165

398 When were you in Austria?你什么时候去的奥地利？166

399 Who is the patient?谁是病人？166

400 The Only Time to Control唯一可以控制的时候166

401 Is there a pharmacist in the house?这里有药剂师吗？167

402 Which ear should I put the oil in?我该往哪一只耳朵里灌油呢？167

403 You only have one eye left你只剩一只眼睛了167

404 Taking out the ones I don't like把我不喜欢的东西挑出去168

405 I can't wake my doctor我不能叫醒我的医生168

406 This won't hurt a bit这一点也不疼169

407 I'm an obstetrician我是产科医生169

408 My patients can bite我的患者是要咬人的169

409 In a few minutes再过几分钟170

410 A Psychiatric Evaluation精神科医生的评估170

411 Identity Disorder身份混乱症170

412 Imaginary Basketball想像中的篮球171

413 Unreachable Relief拿不到手的解脱171

414 Is George W.Bush still President?乔治·W·布什还是总统吗？171

415 Pay my $60 up front我先预付60美元172

416 Go to the light走向亮光172

417 Be true or be false忠诚或不忠诚172

418 How long is three weeks?三个星期有多久？173

419 Smart Investment聪明的投资173

420 Six months to live只能活六个月了173

421 You're just lazy你只是懒174

422 The Next Appoinment下一次预约174

423 Food in Hospital医院里的食物174

424 A Good Time to Look up Old Friends访问老朋友的好时候175

425 She's had five litters她已经下了五窝小狗了175

426 Cane and Able残疾和自理175

Ⅷ．技术笑话179

427 Don't have time for girlfriend没时间找女朋友179

428 $1 or $50,000一美元还是五万美元179

429 Gender of Computers电脑的性别180

430 Difference差别181

431 Programming Contest编程竞赛181

432 Who designed human body?谁设计了人体？182

433 Free Space免费空间182

434 How do you spell that?你怎么拼？182

435 Too much time on computer在电脑上花费时间太多183

436 Trust student better比较相信学生183

437 Soliciting customers招揽顾客183

438 A Tongue Twister绕口令184

439 Worse than I Love You比我爱你更坏184

440 Does it get cable?它能收有线电视吗？184

441 Put your mommy on the phone让你妈接电话185

442 I am not talking我没在讲185

443 UNIX is not eunuchs UNIX不是太监185

444 The United States of America Online美利坚合众国在线186

445 How to spell AOL?AOL怎么拼？186

446 Are you all right?你没事吧？186

447 The Grapes of Wrath愤怒的葡萄187

448 Scroll down往下卷187

449 It's the only copy I have我只有一份187

450 Search for love yielded no results搜寻爱情没有结果188

451 My computer doesn't know Internet我的电脑不认识互联网188

452 How is Aunt Helen feeling?海伦姨妈身体好不好？188

453 The farmers on the Dell戴尔电脑上的农场主189

454 What kind of line?什么样的线？189

455 Computer Crash电脑崩溃189

456 A man or a mouse?人还是老鼠？190

457 This is not the Internet这里可不是互联网190

458 Time travel is not permitted时间旅行未批准190

459 Not a good reason说错原因191

460 I caught two我抓到两条191

461 Save the sunset把日落存盘191

462 British-made英国造192

463 The Best Troubleshoot排除故障最佳方法192

464 She's just swearing at her computer她只是在诅咒她的电脑192

465 Roman Numerals罗马数字193

466 Between the keyboard and the chair在键盘和椅子之间193

467 Contacting us by phone用电话和我们联络193

468 A Good Student一个好学生194

469 Updated daily每天更新194

470 Flush Right冲洗正确194

471 Under construction正在施工中195

Ⅸ．警察笑话199

472 Grand Slam大满贯199

473 The Designated Decoy被指定的诱饵199

474 Incriminating Evidences犯罪证据200

475 If you hurry you can still make it如果你赶紧，还能赶得上200

476 Only when he's DRUNK他只是在喝醉的时候才这样200

477 I'm the groom我就是新郎201

478 Veterinarian's Office兽医诊所201

479 Too late to know为时已晚202

480 What is the total cost?总共是多少钱？202

481 No jokes,please不可开玩笑202

482 The war is still not over南北战争还没有结束203

483 A Good Explanation警察的解释203

484 A Bad Day for the Couple夫妻双双被抓204

485 Muscles in the Mirror镜子里的肌肉204

486 Drive while on the phone开车打电话204

487 My inspection expired我的检查证过期了205

488 I wasn't我还没有过去205

489 Better Speakers好一点的讲员205

490 How long have you been waiting?你在这里等多久了？206

491 Is it on fire?着火了吗？206

492 The first time头一回207

493 A Tricky Mockingbird淘气的嘲鸫鸟207

494 I Just Stopped for the Red Light我只是等红灯207

495 The Truth真话208

496 No Exceptions没有例外208

497 A Speed Trap测速陷阱208

498 A Driving Test路考209

499 A 14-year-old male一名14岁男孩209

500 That's the part of me he'll see那就是他所能看见的部分209

501 Cab for Inmates囚犯叫的出租车210

502 A Psychic Suspect通灵的嫌疑犯210

503 Slow down or stop慢下来还是停下来211

504 Teaching English to prison inmates给监狱的囚犯们教英语211

505 Don't you give out warnings?你们不给警告吗？211

506 Radio Phonetic Alphabet无线电语音字母211

Ⅹ．军队笑话215

507 I'll get the new lieutenant我让新来的副官来干215

508 Do you have change for a dollar?你能不能换一块钱硬币？215

509 Get the enemy to eat here让敌人到这里来吃215

510 Yes,sir是，长官216

511 Anticipate a ride in the jeep指望坐上吉普车216

512 The colonel is on his way上校过来了216

513 I can't tell you我不能告诉你217

514 The Buddy System互助系统217

515 Earth地球218

516 Please use other doors此门不通218

517 A Playing Card ID扑克牌身份证218

518 Confuzing Names困扰的名字219

519 A Military Childhood随军子女的童年219

520 Military English军用英语219

521 What kind of helicopter?哪一种直升飞机？220

522 In case of an emergency在紧急情况下220

523 That is how I made major这是我怎样当上空军上将的220

524 A Mother's Reaction做母亲的反应221

525 Four Wrinkles四条褶221

526 The fools jump蠢人跳伞221

527 Secondhand Smoke二手烟222

528 Drive like you work开车要像你工作一样222

529 Is the general expecting you?将军在等你吗？222

530 A Geologist地质学家223

531 Returned from the Middle East从中东回来223

532 Ten thousand flies can't be wrong一万只苍蝇错不了223

533 Airman is undecided空军士兵尚未决定224

534 When it quits leaking当它不再漏的时候224

535 Always want to look your best总是要看起来最好224

536 After September 11 9月11日以后225

537 Donate the blood献血225

538 That's the point这才是目的225

539 We've never landed从来没有着陆过226

540 Go to war上战场226

541 Tank parking available坦克可以停226

542 Honeybees find land mines蜜蜂找地雷227

543 Security Checkpoint安全检查点227

544 Junior Officer低级军官227

545 She worries more than your knee她担心的不只是你的膝盖228

546 Pilots or Pedestrians是飞行员还是行人228

547 Rocket Science火箭科学228

548 My general outranks your general我的将军比你的将军地位高229

549 You idiots,fall out!你们这些白痴，解散！229

550 May I see your authority to enter?我能不能看看你的进门许可？229

551 Corporal Meeting团队会见230

552 A Live Bomb in Class课堂上的真炸弹230

553 Keep your mouth shut闭嘴231

554 Cleared for takeoff你被清除，准备起飞231

555 Decorating the lawn布置大草坪231

556 A New Policy一项新规定232

557 Impeccable Appearance无可挑剔的仪容232

558 You're free to go你可以走了232

559 Big Difference差别好大233

560 Primary Target Acquisition Radar一级目标采集雷达233

561 Race cars on the sea海上赛车234

562 1 in 359三百五十九分之一234

563 Navel Destroyers海军的驱逐舰234

564 And just what time is that?那到底是几点钟？235

565 Your sign was upside down你的标志拿倒了235

566 Everything in Duplicate什么都要双份235

567 This is my new assistant这是我的新助手236

568 Bombing is only a hobby轰炸只是业余爱好236

569 How do you plan on punishing me?你还能怎么惩罚我？236

570 Resume all unnecessary work恢复一切不必要的工作237

571 Not sentimental不是多愁善感237

572 Let my driver answer it让我的司机来回答237

573 Will anyone be shooting at me?会不会有人开枪打我？238

574 Unless he has to surrender除非他不得不投降238

575 Jewish of the Week这个星期的犹太人238

576 Calm frayed nerves放松紧张的神经239

577 What's the second best thing?什么是第二好的事情？239

578 I just never saw you coming我压根就没看见你们开过来240

579 Flattop小平头240

580 My wife is getting pregnant this weekend我的妻子准备这个周末怀孕240

581 Point this end at enemy这一头指向敌人241

582 Send us all back把我们都送回去241

583 Mission Impossible不可能的使命241

584 Don't shoot or I'll move!不许开枪！不然我就动了！241

585 You can grab seconds你可以吃第二份242

586 Just drop anchor只要抛锚就行242

587 That plane's landing这架飞机正在降落243

588 Private Glory二等兵丽莎243

589 Our Own Drop Zone我们自己的着陆区243

590 Get lost!走迷路吧！244

591 Cleared for departure无障碍，可起飞244

592 I'm in sales,not production我是在销售部，不是在生产部244

593 Don't you remember what comes next?你不记得接下去该干什么了吗？245

594 It's a banjo这是班卓琴245

595 Navy and Marine海军和海军陆战队245

596 Why do I hear voices in my head?我为什么在我的头里听见声音？246

Ⅺ．老人笑话249

597 Hearing Problems重听249

598 Jog my memory提醒我一下249

599 First Hotel Stay头一次住旅馆249

600 When I was your age我在你这个年纪的时候250

601 I need to know where I'm going我得知道我要到哪里去250

602 Wrong Direction算错方向251

603 Live longer比较长寿251

604 How will I manage after that?但是那以后我怎么办？251

605 You were coughing in your sleep你睡觉的时候在咳嗽252

606 Can you give me a push?你能不能帮我推一把？252

607 Never get any exercise再不能锻炼身体了253

608 We may not have 45 minutes我们可能没有45分钟了253

609 We have sound now现在我们的电影有声音了254

610 You didn't have that problem你没有那样的问题254

611 It's a lie detector这是测谎器254

612 Who is this?你是谁？255

613 Not him.He's the second son.不是他。他是老二。255

614 Not just one car不是只有一辆255

615 It makes sense说得有道理256

616 A Bright Side of Life往好的方面想256

617 Grandpa from McDonald's麦当劳的外公256

618 I look like I'm a hundred我看起来有一百岁257

619 Give you a hearing test测一下你的听力257

620 Awfully low-cut领子开得太低257

621 We're waiting for you to leave我们是在等你们走258

622 I wasn't listening我根本就没在听258

623 If you're that surprised如果你那样喜出望外259

624 Analyze everything to death把一切都分析到死259

625 What did you teach?你是教什么的？259

626 The Services of an Attorney律师的服务260

627 I thought I went deaf我以为我聋了呢260

628 Frustrated Customers沮丧的顾客261

629 Old Man and the Chicken老人和鸡261

630 Don't be nervous不要紧张261

631 Old Tradition and New Technology老传统和新技术262

632 Base Commander's Mother基地司令官的妈262

633 50/50 平分263

634 A 65-Year Old New Mother 65岁的新妈妈263

635 Sprinkle a day每天撒一点264

636 The Only Sensible Choice唯一明智的选择264

637 Newly Assigned Mission最近指派的新任务264

638 You followed me all the way here你一路跟我到这里265

639 What do you do for a living?你是靠什么谋生的？265

640 What's the difference?有区别吗？265

641 That's a long time这是一段漫长的时间266

642 You're rushing things你们是太性急了266

643 A little late有点太晚了267

644 Get on it like a horse像（骑）马那样跨上去267

645 Cum Laude Family Cum Laude一家267

646 A Retired Man's Day退休以后的生活268

647 Amazing Memory惊人的记忆力268

648 She didn't bend for most of her life她大半辈子没有弯腰268

Ⅻ．青少年笑话271

649 Can we drink beer on the beach?我们可以在海滩喝啤酒吗？271

650 Practicing my trumpet我在练习吹喇叭271

651 A trick does long way颇费周折的花招271

652 A Big Surprise大出所料273

653 He doesn't hate you anymore他不再恨你了273

654 No woman can get ready in ten minutes没有女人能在十分钟就准备好的274

655 Historical Points of Interest历史景点274

656 Very serious about math对数学绝不马虎274

657 Home Town家乡275

658 A Surprise Visit出乎意料的访问275

659 Don't worry about dinner不要担心晚饭276

660 Encyclopedia百科全书276

661 A New Boyfriend新交的男朋友276

662 Brooms and Witches扫帚和巫婆277

663 Always get double prints总是洗两套277

664 Mr.Summertime夏天先生277

665 I'm going left我要左转了278

666 Too Many Coffee Shops咖啡店太多278

667 As soon as I dig a basement一旦我挖好地下室278

668 Lawnmower Man and His Left Foot剪草的男人和他的左脚279

669 Loading.Please wait.正在加载，请稍等。279

670 Save our trees节省树木279

671 Honesty诚实280

672 The Skinniest Player最瘦小的队员280

673 Playing for our team替我们球队打球280

674 That record will stand forever这个纪录永远不会被打破了281

675 The First Thing第一件事281

676 They're absolutely gorgeous她们都绝对漂亮281

677 She got the job她得到了这份工作282

678 Pushed the wrong button按错了按钮282

679 Is that English?这是英语吗？282

680 I didn't even read them这两本书我根本都没看283

681 Amphibious Assault水陆两栖突袭283

682 Thirty years younger年轻了30岁283

683 Exciting Trip激动的旅行284

684 O Alaska啊，阿拉斯加284

685 Web Site Story是网站故事285

686 Born in a barn生在牲口棚里285

687 Parental Control家长控制285

688 An Easy Question一道简单的题286

689 When my hat is here,I'm here我帽子在这里，就是我在这里286

690 They're just friends它们只是朋友286

691 Gen-X Daughter新潮流时代女儿287

692 A Male Applicant男性申请人287

693 How on earth did you do that?你究竟为什么要这么干？288

694 Knuckles drag on the floor手掌拖着地288

695 A Real Person真的人288

696 Fired from my first job失去我的第一份工作289

697 Post-partying Depression宴会后忧郁症289

698 I'm going to miss you我会想你的289

699 My Object of Adoration我的偶像290

700 Rich富290

701 Free Box免费纸箱290

702 I'm Number One我是第一名291

703 We kept passing the money我们把钱传下去291

704 You are full of advice你充满了忠告291

705 Couldn't give away给不出去292

706 Little lights swaying to the music随着音乐摇摆的小亮点292

707 What chair?什么椅子？292

708 Black makes you look slimmer黑色使你看起来苗条293

709 I'm psychotic我是精神病人293

710 Pane and Burns疼痛和烧灼293

711 Excuse me?你说什么？294

712 Imagination,Limited想像有限公司294

713 John ⅩⅩⅢ Hall约翰二十三世会堂294

714 What's your number?你的电话号码是什么？295

715 Double Positive双重肯定295

716 How are the rooms appointed?房间里有什么家具和设施？295

ⅩⅢ．孩童笑话299

717 How many birds left?还剩几只鸟299

718 It's Little Johnny again又是小强尼299

719 Johnny failed exam强尼考试不及格300

720 A nickel is bigger than a dime五分的硬币比一角的大300

721 Where is God?上帝在哪里？300

722 God is missing上帝丢了301

723 Will you accept the charges?你同意不同意付钱？301

724 She was stunned她感到震惊302

725 Little girl knows everything小姑娘什么都知道302

726 A Life-time Punishment终生的惩罚303

727 If you see him running如果你们看见他跑303

728 A Hundred Percent Red Sox百分之百的红袜子303

729 In ten years再过十年304

730 Left her Bart in San Francisco把她的男爵遗忘在旧金山304

731 Polite Behavior礼貌的行为304

732 What would God want with a dead dog?上帝要一只死狗干什么？305

733 Just say what you hear mommy say你听妈妈怎么说，你就怎么说305

734 Bartender酒馆老板305

735 What if we get separated?我们分开了怎么办？306

736 E Flat Minor降E小调306

737 Are you giving out balloons?你发气球吗？306

738 This time he took the cage这次它连笼子一起带走了307

739 The funny thing is the book name可笑的是书名307

740 My mother doesn't look like that either我妈看起来也不是这样308

741 He won the car他赢了这辆车308

742 We're Ranch我们是农场308

743 The more weight,the faster it goes越重跑得越快309

744 You don't look that old你看起来没那么老309

745 Wise woman would have brought聪明女人会带来309

746 The oldest thing in my house我家里最老的东西310

747 My mom puts me in the stroller too我妈妈也把我放在手推车里面310

748 I can see the diving board我能看见跳水板310

749 Breast Feeding喂奶311

750 An Earnest Prayer恳切的祷告311

751 Rabbit and Python兔子和大蟒311

752 Work at hotels到各个旅馆去上班312

753 Until I saw you...在看见你之前312

754 Can't you read,either?你也不识字？312

755 Another Train另外一辆火车313

756 Who do I see about getting dentures?我要镶牙该看谁呀？313

757 Something Smelled Good什么东西这么好闻313

758 I want my mommy我要妈妈314

759 You used to be a bear?你以前是一只熊？314

760 Horse Zoo大马动物园314

761 I collect moths我收集飞蛾315

762 Catch up!赶上去！315

763 A Giant Boy Scout一个童子军巨人315

764 Daddy's home爸爸回来了316

765 Which one is John Wayne?哪一个是约翰·韦恩？316

766 Something Kids Did Not Expect孩子们并没有期待的东西316

767 "One-two,one-two"“一二一二”317

768 I guess that's That我想那个是“那个”317

769 I'll give you ten bucks我给你们十块钱318

770 A tree's not much of a present一棵树也算不上什么礼物318

771 Children Tourists儿童旅游者318

772 Please,make her stop求求你，让她停下来319

ⅩⅣ．婚姻笑话323

773 Ours is much better looking我们的好看得多323

774 Wife or Mistress妻子还是情妇323

775 He wouldn't be my type他不会是我喜欢的类型324

776 Three Nos三不包324

777 Confusing乱套324

778 A man vs.a Woman男人和女人325

779 Successful Man and Woman成功的男人和女人325

780 Happy Man and Woman快乐的男人和女人325

781 A Man vs.a Woman男人和女人的不同325

782 Wrong Expectation错误的期待326

783 Important Observation重要的观察326

784 She's probably right她可能是对的326

785 Just be satisfied就该满足了326

786 Odds are good but the goods are odd少的是好的，但好的是少的327

787 Everything's harder with a ring on戴着戒指干什么都比较困难327

788 I am married to your sister我娶了你的妹妹328

789 A Great Invention伟大的发明328

790 Are you taking me with you?你要带我一起去吗？329

791 I had her on her knees我让她下跪了329

792 Together we made mud合在一起，我们就和泥329

793 I married better和我结婚的人比你的好330

794 Conditional Move有条件的搬出330

795 That's sweet真甜蜜330

796 We don't have any of those这三样我们都没有331

797 Have they expired?它们过期了吗？331

798 May—December Romance 5～12月罗曼史331

799 Doing housework做家务332

800 Make $22,000 a year一年挣两万二332

801 I'll browse in the hardware store我在五金店里看看332

802 Two only one两个唯一333

803 Free Peanuts免费的花生米333

804 I like women who get mad like that我喜欢像那样发作的女人333

805 That guy is me那个人是我334

806 You got the house你分得了房子334

807 There must be some mistake这一定是弄错了334

808 Of course当然335

809 Lucky you你好走运335

810 Wasn't I married to you once?我是不是曾经娶过你？335

811 She can't sing along她就不能同时唱了336

812 You're the only one你是唯一一个336

813 If you smile,put them back如果你微笑，就把它们放回去336

814 You say something worth $300你说的话值300美元337

815 Better take the dog with you最好带着狗去337

816 She named the boat她给船起了名字337

817 Go in one ear and out the other一个耳朵进，另一个耳朵出338

818 I can't find one my wife will believe我找不到一张卡我太太会相信338

819 Who did I ask to go to the dump?我邀请谁和我一起去垃圾场了？338

820 I am going to use my maiden name我要用我的娘家姓了339

821 Which door you can fit through哪一个门你能过得去339

822 The Atlantic Ocean大西洋339

823 Love didn't stick爱没有粘住340

824 Priceless无价之宝340

825 He is already used to taking orders他已经习惯于服从命令340

826 A Smart Message一封聪明的信341

827 My ex-husband was in the Army我的前夫也是在陆军341

828 Men and Parking Spots男人和停车位342

829 Difference between Man and Woman男人和女人的区别342

830 My hands fit perfectly around his neck我的两只手刚好卡住他的脖子342

831 Ten New Pairs of Shoes十双新鞋343

832 You didn't miss a thing你什么也没耽误343

833 Calling the boyfriend打电话给男朋友343

834 40 Year Curse 40年的咒语344

835 It's thirty-six percent more baby这是个重了36％的婴儿344

ⅩⅤ．黑色笑话347

836 A Flattered Man受宠若惊的男人347

837 My First Day with the Hook第一天用假手347

838 He made his own lunch他自己准备的午餐348

839 The numbers followed 9-1-1 9-1-1后面的号码349

840 Blind Golfer盲人高尔夫球手349

841 Yield让350

842 Who honked the horn谁按了喇叭350

843 As soon as you wake up一醒过来350

844 Stoop so low腰弯得这么低351

845 The Worst Day最倒霉的一天351

846 Change dark blue suit换深蓝色西装351

847 The female brain has never been used这颗女性的脑子从来没有用过352

848 I was to say something我是想说什么352

849 But you don't have a pool可是你没有游泳池353

850 The Last Known Position所知道的最后位置354

851 False Teeth假牙354

852 Fixed Income固定收入354

853 I can bite my eye我能咬自己的眼睛355

854 The First Ride第一次骑车355

855 Not just once不只是一次356

856 I've just been de-wormed我刚才吃了驱虫药356

857 We figured it was a joke我们以为这是恶作剧356

858 Look,death row瞧，死囚牢房357

859 Are you hurt?你摔坏了吗？357

860 What a waste白费力气357

861 Don't call me不要打电话给我358

862 How many cars did you hit?你撞了几辆车？358

863 That was my stop我该在刚才那一站下车358

864 Good Facts about Abraham Lincoln亚伯拉罕·林肯做的好事359

865 What's in the box?那盒子里装的是什么？359

866 Where's the car?你的车在哪里？359

867 My car is the one on fire我的车是那辆正在着火的360

868 See you!再见！360

869 What does the ticket say?这票上怎么说？360

870 The man missed his flight这个男子误机了361

871 Three of the people have died这些人当中有三个已经死了361

872 Violators will be squeezed违反者将被挤扁362

873 It has a lifetime warranty它是终身包用的362

874 Saddest Story最伤心的故事362

875 It's supposed to fly too它还应该是能飞的363

876 He no longer lived at that address他已经不在那个地址住了363

877 That's how I stop the car too我也是这样停车的364

878 I'm the only gravedigger in town我是小镇上唯一的掘墓人364

879 Where to wear the wedding ring结婚戒指戴在哪里364

880 The Rest of Your Life你余下的生命365

881 That chute is yours这个降落伞就是你的365

882 A Runaway Submarine一艘失控的潜艇365

883 When do I pull the rip cord?我什么时候拉伞绳？366

884 Practicing on my father's clients在我父亲的客户那里练的366

885 Our dog ate your lunch我们的狗吃了你的午饭367

886 My coffee was never stolen again我的咖啡再没有被偷367

887 PIG!猪！367

888 If you'd have opened the fridge如果你当时打开冰箱的话368

889 It's for the funeral这是为葬礼准备的368

890 The Shortest and the Widest Runway最短最宽的跑道369

891 For safety reasons为了安全的缘故369

892 Those fools!这帮笨蛋！369

893 Good-bye mother!妈妈再见370

894 Count down倒计时371

895 I hung him up to dry是我把他挂起来晾干的371

896 Show him,honey亲爱的，让医生看看371

897 The Last Note最后的便条372

898 That would sound more like this那更像这个声音372

899 First Thing You See in the Next World下一个世界里看到的第一样东西373

900 Protective Surveillance保护监控373

901 Cradle-to-grave Job从摇篮到坟墓的职业373

902 I went out and followed some tracks我出门，沿着踪迹走374

903 The Twist and Shout扭而喊374

904 Hole in One一杆进洞375

ⅩⅥ．语言笑话379

905 I only bought a little pot我只买了一个小瓦罐（一点大麻）379

906 Which way was it headed?它往哪个方向去了？379

907 That's why we ask这就是为什么我们要问379

908 Poles and Holes波兰人和荷兰人380

909 Military Intelligence军事情报部380

910 Zero Malley,sir报告长官，零矛利380

911 A One-word Telegraph一个字的电报381

912 E-mail from Another Country从另一个国家发来的电子邮件381

913 It's easier just to be Ed还是叫艾德比较方便382

914 Why is she wearing two coats?她为什么穿两件大衣？382

915 Bland温和，淡而无味383

916 Married again又结婚了383

917 Sunny Anna Rainey晴天和雨天383

918 I'm in some pain too我也有些痛384

919 My last name is Locke我姓佬克384

920 Her last name is Hazzard她姓哈扎特（危险）384

921 Loss of Consciousness失去知觉385

922 Fire at Will!向威尔开炮！385

923 We missed you我们想念你385

924 Just in case以防万一386

925 9 items or fewer九件商品以下386

926 New Meaning of Family Jewels家庭首饰的新含义386

927 Compound Nouns合成名词387

928 I also cut you an s我也剪掉你一个s387

929 Montana and California蒙大拿对加利福尼亚387

930 Gifts for 40th Birthday四十大寿的礼物388

931 Are you lightheaded?你觉得头晕目眩吗？388

932 Dental Patient or Mental Patient牙科病人还是精神病人388

933 Hare and Turtle野兔和乌龟389

934 Full Gallop全速飞奔389

935 Psychologist or Psycho是心理医生还是精神病389

936 We would prefer you to go there我们希望你用那一间390

937 Local Honey Dates Nuts本地的宝贝约会傻瓜390

938 Succinct言简意赅390

939 In a wreck健康情况极差391

940 I was Libyan我是利比亚人391

941 Will it be long?要等很久吗？391

942 Symmetric Name对称的名字392

943 Skip Church不去教堂392

944 1415 or 14:15 1415年，不是14点15分392

945 Notorious Notary臭名昭著的公证员393

946 Is she in Paine or Hacking?她是疼痛还是干咳？393

947 Do you give validation?你们给不给免费停车？393

948 Writing:For the Sell of It为卖而写作394

949 New Larger Bills新的更贵的账单394

950 Duck,Duck,Goose鸭子、鸭子、鹅395

951 Instructions for the Assembly of God给基督徒聚会所的指令395

952 I finished off her life我结束了她的生命395

953 Are you losing your hearing?你们有没有丧失听力？396

954 What is your position?你的位置？你的职位？396

955 What does ARMY stand for?陆军ARMY是什么意思？396

956 Floors 3,4 and 5 have been removed三楼、四楼、五楼已经去除397

957 Does this Jim have a last name?你这个吉姆姓什么？397

958 Peculiar Job Description怪异的职位描述397

959 What's one typo?什么是笔误？398

960 He's tied up in the vault他被金库的事情缠住了398

961 Burnt Mattress烧焦的床垫398

962 I thought I wanted a tattoo我以为我需要一个刺青399

963 There's no I in team!团队里面没有我！399

964 A Different Meaning另外一种意思399

965 Shake machine broken摇机器坏400

966 Foot脚，英尺400

967 No load too large or too small不论大小400

968 Which denomination?什么面额？什么教派？401

969 A New Title一个新职位401

970 Change road sign改路牌401

971 Sir Charge军官附加费402

972 Infantry and Infants步兵和婴儿402

973 They're looking for the elevator他们是在找电梯402

974 Compound Interest复利403

975 He's in Persia,golfing他在波斯，打高尔夫球403

976 Reserve保留，预备役403

977 Crow and Raven乌鸦和渡鸦404

978 What genre?什么文学题材？404

979 I'm in my first trimester我是在怀孕三个阶段的第一阶段404

980 Fitzwater is not water Fitzwater不是一种饮料405

981 Lisa knows karaoke丽莎会唱卡拉OK405

982 Are you ambulatory?你是能走动的吗？406

983 Hominy?玉米片粥吗？406

984 Free Zucchini解放西葫芦406

985 Our Specials我们的特色菜407

986 Going into the clergy进牧师的肚子，当牧师407

987 Premenstrual Syndrome经前综合症407

988 Another PMS另一个经前综合症408

989 Dolt笨蛋，傻瓜408

990 Retain保留，挡住408

991 A Person Who Has No Life一个没有生活（生命）的人409

992 You're the man who needs a shower你就是那个要淋浴的男人409

993 The copier was jammed复印机卡纸了409

994 iud4u给你子宫内避孕器410

995 Singed轻度烧伤410

996 Four Skunks四只臭鼬410

997 Mike's my nickname麦克是我的外号411

998 Black and Gus布莱克和嘎斯411

999 Speech Recognition语音识别411

1000 Howard be thy name...霍华德是你的名字412